Well, Philly survived without me. I am back, sucking down pizza and booze while sending belated emails and half watching America's (so-not) Funniest Home Videos.
The 11+ hours spent in the car roundtrip were very productive. When I go on these long drives, I load the car with my favorite music and play lead singer, back-up, thumbs drums, and horns and strings conductor the whole way up. I love long drives by myself because I can brainstorm while I sing/conduct/drum/drive. And I can play The Sun On His Back four times in a row without fear of someone inclined to punch me in the face.* I brought a nice selection of Sweden and Scotland with me and enjoyed the whole 5-state drive back and forth. Toward the last 1 1/2 hours of the trip though, I was a little antsy and broke up the monotony by singing in various accents. I hope I was sufficient entertainment for the people who surrounded me in the traffic jams.
My brainstorming resulted in 3 new articles, and several new additions to the Cantankerous Canary's menu.
Camille's was great. She's in a new place and is in the process of painting and putting it together, so we talked a lot of HGTV.
When Camille first moved to Boston a few years back, she moved into this dump owned by a most crotchety horrid geezer, Ol' Dirty Bastard. This man was one of those old people who like to take advantage of the fact that they're old by being mean and horrible and rotten. He told her she could have her dog, then he renegged. He told her he'd fix the scary wiring, then he didn't. He wiggled his ass at her and smirked when she asked about the condition of the radiators.
So we spent weeks, months, painting every filthy surface in the house, sewing blinds, replacing light fixtures, laying down new flooring, until we got the place to look pretty damn cute. Camille could breathe easy and finally relax in her cute new home.
One Month Later...Ol' Dirty Bastard drops a letter off at Camille's door saying that lo and behold! he's decided to sell the apartment as a condo and she was allowed to get first dibs to buy! For an absolutely outrageous sum of money. Well....we were fit to be tied. That slimy crunk using all our hard work to his monetary gain.
Well....we plotted our revenge. In the days before the realtor was going to show up to put a price on the place, we dismantled all of our work: we pulled up the new flooring, reinstalled the old scary flouro light fixtures and took down all of those window treatments and replaced them with the original
(I mean original) filth-infested shades. This time ODB was fit to be tied and sent a letter claiming that Camille "besmirched his honor" and she was to "cease and desist" undoing her handiwork "immediately". It was brilliant.
The open houses were the best because we'd planted a copy of
Tenant's Revenge in the bathroom book pile and rolled our eyes and shook our heads ever so subtly whenever any prospective sucker appeared interested in the place.
We laughed and laughed and laughed. And we still laugh whenever we talk about those six months of pure hell.
*There is nobody who actually wants to punch me in the face over this. But I think if it were socially acceptable, it might be done. I admit, I'm rather autistic when it comes to listening to music. I like repetition, which is a huge element of my profession. I am such a One Note Charlie. Anyway, TSOHB is one of my favorite songs (I love those marchy tunes) and Hi-Fi is one of my Top Five Fave Albums of All Time. If you get me drunk, I'll sing a song for you. If you get me really drunk, I'll sing it for you in the accent of your choice.
