W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> Moi, Toi, et VoI: April 2010

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Oh, This Is Really Getting Pathetic. I'm Hating Myself More Every Day.

Still depressed.

Made the horrific mistake of spying on Mr. X's photo website. Happy shiny faces of people I once knew who I guess never really knew me then and really don't (care to) know me now. Dumb dumb dumb.

Not that I miss the guy. Or the relationship. What it truthfully comes down to is that I have far fewer Facebook friends than I would if I hadn't kicked him to the curb. Oh well. At least no one's counting.

But that's not even why I'm depressed. I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Too much responsibility. Too many livelihoods riding on my success.

While I haven't by any means abandoned the idea of selling The Canary, I have retooled my plan: to sell Canary 2 with licensing arrangements. I actually have the perfect person in mind to buy the place and take over the shop. I dropped it on her like a hot potato in the middle of the work day. She was surprised and excited, but, for good reason, needs to think about it. We're going to talk on Tuesday about this. If it doesn't work out with her, I will pitch the same thing, but to strangers, and with higher licensing percentages.

SFG and I are trying to hatch a plan to sneak off to Nantucket for a few days. It's a bit of an asspain to get there, but lodging is free, we can bring Ernie (plenty of room in the Subaru!), and do some Internet-free grillin' and chillin' in the quietude of the pre-Memorial day stampede. Let's hope for sanity's sake it works out, because the Klonopin prescription is running out fast (helping the heart palpitations immensely).

We ask Ernie if he "needs assistance" getting up the stairs. I need assistance.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Does Not Dignify a Title.

Tonight is the Eve of Canary's fourth anniversary.

Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday I was bitching about opening up, about crazy staffing issues, about wanting to sell....

oh wait.

Never mind. Regardless, I shed tears at this moment. And I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I'm just so sad. According to my grad school books, some people get depressed at big moments in their lives; it's the change that saddens them. It's the hoping for something better than what they actually have at this point. When things are jangled, some people just can't deal.

I don't know what it is, but I am certainly very sad, and please forgive any typos because they are hard to see between my contact-less eyes and tear-blur.

Maybe I should blame it on my mother. She has not come up to ever see the accomplishment of Canary 2. Maybe that is why I just can't absorb it as an accomplishment. Instead, it was a stupid rash mistake that if I were smart enough to see ahead, I would have never dared such an idiotic move. Then again that is who she is and I am an adult and should know and accept that by now.

Maybe I should blame my father. Enh, why bother. The dude's a tool. Not even worth it.

But mostly I blame myself. Why can't it all work out just right? What's the matter with me that I just can't get it right?

I feel like an abject failure. I don't care what you say. You are just being nice. You are just trying to make me feel better. But I haven't done what I could have done and that is failure.

Tomorrow is going to be hell, despite the cornichon eating contest, which will be fun, until they try and get me to speak to the mike. And then I will shrivel and stutter and it will make me feel worse.

Oh geez. I can't even stand to read the words I write.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

All Things Must Pass.

Ok, so it may seem like it's outta left field to y'all, but I think I'm gonna sell The Canary.

I've been thinking about this for a while. This is not a rash decision. Trust me on this. I need to chew on this stuff in my head for a while before spitting it out to the world.

You've read previous posts; you know I am tired, weary and poor. And that's the gods honest truth. I've had enough worry. I figured after this Food Network thing airs will be a good time to put it on the market- sell the whole kit and kaboodle, let it GO. Relief from anxieties on lots of fronts sounds fantastic.

I had dinner with another recently divorced friend tonight (Hoof + Fin = very good!), who lamented how financially ravaged the women always are after a divorce. I realized at that moment, the amount of stress I have been under for, literally, the past four and a half years straight- emotionally, financially, psychologically, the whole kit and kaboodle.

Nothing sounds better than just letting it all go, in a nice, calm, Zen-like manner. Letting another take what I've built and make it even better. I'm too tired and frazzled to want to tweak and shape and help Canary grow at this point. Being a cog in a larger operation, where the responsibility of the viability of ship does not fall on me, sounds like a dream vacation.

I feel good about the decision. I've had a good run, I've done a really good job at a pretty hard task, and it's perfectly ok to pass the reigns on to start something new. And honestly, I am so bored with what I do now, it makes me punchy. I will never be one of those IBM'ers For life. Never ever ever ever.

So, anyhoo, it's all good. We'll see what happens. Maybe I will change my mind tomorrow, but in the meantime, if you know anybody who wants to buy a cult bakery with two fabulous locations, a funky logo and a loyal fanbase and wholesale clientele, lemme know, k?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sad Songs Say So Much.

I've had enough.

After this Food Network thing happens, I'm going to try and sell.

No no, nothing traumatic has happened. It's been eating at me for a while now. I am burnt out. Burnt to my core. Crisped.

I'm a bit depressed, I think. SFG says you can't tell on the outside (though you might notice little leaks of it if you are paying attention), but apparently I don't act on the outside how I feel on the inside, which includes but is not limited to supreme exhaustion, heart palpitations, insomnia with or without Ambien, constant anxiety, and of late, some lady-related issues I won't get into.

Running a business is a 24/7 job. And believe me, I do not get paid for 24 hours a day. Out of pocket 'benefits' are sucking me dry. Yes, I do get certain day-to-day freedoms, but in the grand scheme, I am more tied to this business than any of you who can quit tomorrow. And I am jealous.

Being the boss means boundaries. And I have gotten quite good at creating boundaries with staff after getting burned by being too close when I first opened up. But now I am lonely. I am Boss Lady. I've worked so hard to create a really good work environment for my employees (which I'm proud of because it is one of the harder aspects of my job) but I can't take advantage of it in the same way as them. It's no joke: it's lonely at the top. Most of you have peers at work and they can become your friends, good friends if you're really lucky, but that's not possible in the same way for me as it is for you.

Waah. Bartender, hit me!

I figure after Food Network airs would be the best time to put this shit on the market- sell the whole shebang- logo, recipes, shtick...after all, I think the real value in this business is the Canary that I have built, not the spaces (though both are really good in their own right).

Then I can get a real job and have anxiety about it at a normal level, not a cardiac one. And on Saturdays and Sundays I can play at the end of the rainbows and feed the lavender unicorns clovers and elven tea. It will be beyond lovely.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

How Many Licks Does It Take....

So we're having a Cornichon Eating Contest* in a couple of weeks to promote the Canary's Fourth Anniversary of Opening**. It will be in the Central Chamber*** of The Circus.

So far we have two male contestants who competed in Wing Bowl, a female Ivy college student who competed in a cake eating competition in camp, a female who wants to cross a competitive eating challenge off of her bucket list, a guy 'who can eat more [cornichons] than you could ever dream of', and an aspiring drag queen. It will surely be amazing.

We are extending the deadline application until Friday because we would like to get a few more options contestant-wise and a couple of media outlets have offered to promote it a little longer.

You up for a little stomach expansion? The prize is a cornichon a day for an entire year of your God-given life.

Oh, it's going to be great! It will go down in cornichonerie history!

* Trying to keep it anonymous here.
** Still trying.
*** Trying too hard?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Let's Go Outback Tonight.

The Jetta is dead. Long Live the Subaru!

The car overheated and it was going to be $873 to fix whateverthefuckitisthistime, so we carefully drove it over the bridge to the Cherry Hill Subaru dealer and put it to rest.

I felt as if I was taking the old but loveable cat who has tumors and peed on the carpet every three weeks to the vet to put her to sleep. I was actually a little wistful about it as I saw the flatbed come and take it to its final resting place. Subaru was even generous enough to give us a Ben Franklin in trade-in value.

We bought a two year old Outback with 11,000 miles owned by a 93 year old man. It is in pristine condition and is 'Metallic Deep Bronze', though some may call it 'brown'. It is functional, ever so slightly sporty and RELIABLE. Me likey. Old Man also pimped it out with one of those Put-It-In-Reverse-And-Go-Beep-Beep-Beep sensors and rubber thingies on the door edges so you don't nick your car when you throw the door open with your good leg. And it has a cargo rack on the roof- presumably for the handy Rascal, but we can use it for Billy bookshelf system transport just as well.

Now, the question is, which bumper stickers will go where?

I need to save my material for another post, so I will tell you about the Canary cupcake eating contest tomorrow!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Three Things That Have Really Made Me Cranky Today (T.T.T.H.R.M.M.C.T.).

1. I woke up at 3 am this morning, like most mornings, but this particular morning I was haunted with the fact that Pernod hasn't paid me for an order in December. Migrained and insomnolent, I 'pen' an ever so slightly nastygram to my contacts there.

2. I yell at the shoeshine at The Circus for sexually harassing my baker. Then convulse with angry shaking at management for not doing anything about it (Have I mentioned the laundry list of disgusting things that they do on a daily basis? We are keeping a log; email me.)

3. Baker calls out for Friday more than implying it is my job to find coverage for their shift. As stated previously, I cover for you if you are dead.

It makes perfect sense I am wound up and cranky at 11:30 at night.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Finding A Sweet Pair of Shoes is More Often Than Not, More Fun than Easter.

Had a perfectly fine day having Easter Ham, fine chardonnay and observing an Under Five Easter egg hunt.

Not my favorite holiday by any stretch, as I'm not a particular fan of breakfast foods, large amounts of inexpensive sweets, or the resurrection of Christ, but today was okay. No complaints for the most part.

Granted, a full fledged, full bodied adult conversation - without or not pertaining to children of any kind - would have been a nice asterisk to the day, but that is my own exhaustion talking, nothing more, no offense to the seersucker swathed toddlers present at the event, of course.

Saturday evening, however, was a blissful few hours spent with the bestest girlfriends a girl could have. Mwah mwah SWAK SWAK. I heart you. You know what a damsel needs and I love you for it.

Friday, I had earlier gotten notice my early morning baker was going to be out on a diabetes medical call (can't say no to that, less someone lose a toe and that would be bad), and the late morning baker texts me asking if I really need her because she has, ya know, stomach trouble.

I hereby declare I Will No Longer Be A Stupid Pushover. I Do Not Work For You Unless You Are Dead. Otherwise Find A Substitute. Or You Are Fired.

Have I mentioned that I have been getting this coldy-fluy-viral sickness every four to six weeks for the past year and a half now? And I am now in the throws of one of these episodes? It's awful, it throws the workweek off if I don't put in the time. But frankly, I am just exhausted. I haven't had a day off in weeks. And I can't remember the last time I had two days off in a row. I think it was early January when I went to Chicago.

In September, my doctor told me to use the neti pot through the new year and if my colds didn't abate, to come back and she would take some tests. I have been using the neti pot, and while I do believe it's made the 'episodes' less bad - and when I mean 'bad', I mean being on the couch for three days straight feverish, congested, coughing and/or vomting. I mean bad.

I have no doubt it's nothing more serious than stress. I think a trip for a mani/pedi and fancy lunch would do more wonders than some blood test screening out Epstein-Barr. Maybe I'll just skip it.