W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> Moi, Toi, et VoI: September 2007

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Product Review: Doritos Collisions (Alt. Title: Reissue Repackage...)

Rating: 2/10

Frito-Lay is brilliant. Why? Because they've figured out a way to sell the same stuff in a different bag. They've turned lemons into mediocre pre-packaged lemonade.

'Hot Wings' = 'Spicy Nacho' + 'Blazin' Buffalo' flavor compounds leftover from unsuccessful marketing runs. 'Blue Cheese' was originally an error - when an entire batch of Cool Ranch Doritos was made without the secret Cool Ranch spice compound. Then both flavors of chips were simultaneously dropped on the floor in the Frito-Lay HQ commissary and the rest is history.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Cupcake Scorned.

Contrary to urban lore, I have neither been in county lock-up or the psych ward the past few days. I have simply been remiss in my blogging duties, completely uninspired and blagh.

But I have returned. After not sleeping for a couple of weeks and having a couple of near panic attacks over the past couple of days, I am finally fighting the good fight again. I decided that in order for my sanity to survive, I had to direct my venom toward change. I met with the head of The Circus today, blabbed at him for fifteen minutes about my disappointment and frustration with the status quo. He listened, offered some on-the-DL info that partially satiated my fury, and promised to look into some of the issues that were under his control. It made me feel a bit better, though this conversation was just the beginning as far as I'm concerned. I'm determined to tell anyone who will listen about the current situation. I've already set up a meeting with the head of the merchants' association.

Those bastards don't know who they're dealing with.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Warning: Slightly Drunken Angry Rant About Work.

** Contains adult language**

The following will probably make little to no sense to most of you - especially if you aren't from Philly and don't know about the inner politics of The Circus and The King of Sandwiches debacle. But I just can't not write about this. Otherwise I will explode. And nobody wants that.

I attended my first Merchants' Association meeting on Thursday.* The President asked me and other newbies to the Circus to attend so that we could try and shed the Association of its Tammany Hall reputation and turn it into a viable reputable organization that actually did proactive positive things for the vendors of The Circus. I agreed. After all, I pay my dues to the Association and I want to make The Circus a better place and, quite obviously, make money there. So...

The following is roughly what I plan on saying at the next meeting the next time the subject of the King of Sandwiches comes 'round, because I know it will. And I know I will be pissed that my time is being wasted by a bunch of old coots who believe that they run the floor of the Circus like it's their own.

Let me just say that I do not care about The King of Steaks. And if I'm the only one to have the balls to say it - because that's what the majority of the people in this room are thinking - then so be it. The issue is in court. I was under the impression that the Association had stated its peace about the situation and that was that. Most of us have to get back to slinging our slop, not listening to your Fox News bullshit.

But just for the record, I am embarrassed that when a customer asks where they can get a fucking (let's call a spade a spade, ok? dogmeat) cheesesteak after 3 pm, I have to say Jim's on South Street ** because no one who makes cheesesteaks is open after 3 at The FUCKING PHILADELPHIA CIRCUS FOR GOD'S SAKE. AN OHIOAN SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A GODDAMN CHEESESTEAK AT 2am AT THE CIRCUS IF THEY WANT.

This is not a class warfare for CHRISSAKES. This is not about your Two Street Union Slop Slingers versus the Penn Educated Suits who want nothing better than to see you put in your slop slingin' place. Give me a FUCKING break. In fact, you MOTHERFUCKERS - I'm absolutely certain - make more than a lot of SUITS on the Board that are allegedly causing you so much grief. Oh Poor Uze, being forced to stay open until 6. POOR YOU. You ARE KILLING MY BUSINESS. I am now convinced that the people of Philadelphia see The Circus as a lunch destination - mostly because you most popular MOTHERFUCKERS close at 3. And that includes you, You Religious Folk Who Do Biz At The Circus YouKnowWhoYouAre***.

So can you please shut up and stop wasting our precious time because we need to go back to slinging slop for the lunch crowd, you wannabe blue collar Morons.

And that's what I plan on saying. More or less.

I've been so disturbed and stressed out the past couple of days over this that I've been reduced to consuming pablum of all sorts for comfort: I bought cheese from Madame Mimolette and I told her "Please. Nothing complicated. Nothing that makes me have to think about this cheese." D'affinois, 3 1/2 year Canadian cheddar, Old Amsterdam and Petit Basque. When I got home this evening, I asked SFG (after a short but productive crying jag) if he would mind if I turned on some pretty lyrics/music pablum to listen to while I got myself wasted on Hendrick's gin. Songs about laudromats and missing school girls and dead children who play in the moors. Yes, accessible cheese and pretty music are the down comforters of my life these days.

*Google that shit. Reverse google it. Find out who I am. I don't even care!

** I told you I didn't give a shit!
***Mmmm hmmmm!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Turkey Commando (And a short commentary on Boss Turkey).

Turkey Boy came running into The Canary today. Backwards.

He'd split his pants and wasn't wearing any undies (He didn't get to laundry, ok?). So The Bassoonist, forever the Sympathizer with the Weak and Infirmed, stapled his pants back together. It was just about the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

I wrote "Get Some New Pants Turkey Boy" on a cake and sent it over to the Turkey Stand. Turkey Boy loved it. Then Boss Turkey spotted the scene on the security camera and called them up and told them to get rid of the cake! What the hell! I felt half punished. But then again, this is also a man who's had employees for nine years and pays them $9 an hour. And he refuses to have a tip jar because it looks like begging. In fact, he won't even patronize businesses that have tip jars! Millionaires! Blargh!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


I loathe the expression "tag along", as in "I'm going out with Heinrich for nachos. Wanna tag along?". It implies a tangential, impromptu afterthought invite. Only because you happened to be sitting next to the person when Heinrich called to go out nacho-hunting are you asked to come. I am half-insane, I know it already, you don't have to confirm it thankyouverymuch.

Experimented today for Fall/Winter/Holiday menu items: Brandy Brown Sugar Buttercream (very nice) and Milk Chocolate Cheesecakes (needs some zing, work in progress). Also started making Banana Walnut Cake Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting and gold sanding sugar sprinkles. Yerm.

I am planning a birthday bash for SFG's 32nd Year on Earth here at Picanha, a Brazilian steakhouse. All you can eat MEAT for $19.99. It will be mucho fun! Oh how the tides have turned.

I am currently obsessed with Primordial Dwarves at the moment. I saw a documentary about Kenadie on TLC and then Tyra had some PDs on too and gave them makeovers. I know lots of facts and figures about them. Just ask Rasputina and The Bassoonist.

That is all. I will eat my gnocchi now.

Monday, September 17, 2007


May I indulge for a moment to name my top picks for meaningful and fulfilling television watching this season?

Top Chef (Bravo): Chefs compete ala Project Runway for $100k. OK, this cycle is almost over, but dang this is some truly excellent reality tv. My pick is Casey. It's about time that show have a woman winner. Catch it while you can, people!

Hell Date (BET): Mark goes on a date with his worst nightmare. Best part: Dwarf dressed like the devil comes out and pokes the mark with a pitchfork just when they are about to lose their sh$t and strangle their actor/date.

Parental Control (MTV): Parents hate son/daughter's girl/boyfriend and pick two new dates for their son/daughter while bad boy/girlfriend and parents watch the dates together on parents' couch. Always provokes pre-scripted digging between parents and bad boy/girlfriend. I can't believe I watch this show and love it as much as I do.

Meerkat Manor (Animal Planet): Several families ("mobs") of meerkats battle it out over turf in the Kalahari. Narrated by Sean Astin. Who doesn't love watching cute fuzzy critters with cute fuzzy names (Hannibal, Pancake, Len & Squiggy), though watching them be eaten by vultures isn't fun at all.

America's Next Top Model (CW): Oh Tyra. Thou art a genius.

*Martha, since you've decided not to use B-licious, I figured I'd use a bastardization of it for the title of this post. I hope you don't mind.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Profane Poundcake. Blasphemous Buttercream.

We know you will appreciate our new 747 Conversation Cupcakes.

To amuse ourselves and practice piping script skills, we write little messages on our double-sized cupcakes. In order of Ten Most Popular:
  1. Happy Birthday
  2. Mom, I'm Gay.
  3. Sassy
  4. I Love You.
  5. I'm Calling My Lawyer.
  6. You're Cute.
  7. Marry Me?
  8. Drinks Sometime?
  9. Freak On.
  10. No Way Jose.
When the Baptists came we added Hallelujah! It sold like hellfire!

Rasputina and The Bassoonist added Pervert (with two rosebuds) to the fleet today. We'll see how it sells. I told them they'd have to answer to whomever had a problem with that cupcake.

Any other snarky suggestions?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Wedding Crasher.

Remember those college friends with whom I slightly obsessed about them pretending that I've fallen off the face of the earth since I left Mr. X?* Two of them are getting married this month and I've done a very catty thing. I've sent them wedding gifts.

The gifts were nothing special. I sent each a little book on champagne with a nice congratulatory note. I wrapped them in sari silk and satin ribbon and sent them off Priority today to New York and Northampton. Dax and I have discussed this and even though she says it's a gracious gesture, I know it's really more of a little dig. Helllooo! Hey! Remember me? In any event, they get a book for their bookshelf and I get the satisfaction of being The One Who On The Surface Did The Right Thing.

Oh well. Done. SFG reminded me that moving to Philly has treated me a helluva lot better than New York anyway and that I'm very lucky to have so many good friends here. So there.

*I apologize for that being the worst sentence ever written in history. I'm sure it's not grammatically correct and I should know better because I was an English major. But uz no what I'm sayin'.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Liar, Liar Stylishly Casual Chino Pants on Fire!

Usher is on Martha Stewart right now and she just claimed that she has a bottle of his new perfume Usher She sitting in her bathroom at home. I don't believe her.

I've gotten migraines everyday at 2:30 for the past four days. It's almost 2:30 now.... On top of it I have a swollen lymph node in my neck. I am falling apart. Falling apart.

Tomorrow we are going to start experimenting with using stale cupcakes for bread pudding. Titep Ruof used to do this with much success. I will let you know how it goes.

Friday, September 07, 2007

"I won by a tail's length. Now go to my litterbox."

This is Felicia. She is my avatar on Puzzle Fighter. Which I am addicted to. Sorry, gotta go and play a few more rounds.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Kitchen Sink Meatloaf.

In a large bowl, squish together

A couple of pounds of ground beef
A handful of Cheezits
Some olives, pitted and chopped
A chopped onion
Chopped garlicA handful of leftover cheese, chopped
Worcestershire sauce
a couple of eggs
plenty of salt and pepper

Smush into a foiled and buttered loaf pan (or heart shaped jello mold if that's all you have)
and bake that sucker for 1 1/2 hours at 350. Voila!

Serve with a box of nice rice and some buttered gingered carrots.

Bon Appetit!

Saturday, September 01, 2007

I Forgot How Fun it is to Post Drunkenly!

It's been a while since I've posted drunkenly but I'll give it a go. I apologize in advance for any grammatical or spelling errors. And forgive the rambling, choppy nature of the post. There is much singing between paragraphs. For shame English major!

I've had an unexpectedly busy day at The Circus. So much so that I ended up leaving four hours after I was supposed to and I've decided to celebrate with an evening spent with Molly, a 2005 Clos du Bois Shiraz, and my iPod. SFG is out with his friends and I am having an absolutely lovely time kitchendancing*. I've put the old 2nd generation iPod on for a college try (the one with the buttons across the top. Mine is one of the last of the living, I'm convinced, a WWI veteran of sorts.) and it's performing like a champ.

Speaking of drunkenness, I have enrolled in sommelier school! This is a fabulous tax write-off! I'm an amateur scotch snob and can only hope that I get as comfortable with wine as I am with scotch.** I've been wanting to get a handle on the world of wine for quite a while now. Picking by label can only take you so far. And who knows where sommelier certification may take me!? The world is my oyster. With a nice and crispy pinot blanc or light chard. The best part will be being a certifiable lush, not just a run-of-the-mill standard lush. I will be legitimized. Like the bastard child whose dreams come true when his mother and the postman run off to Vegas and get married.

And on another positive note, I spoke with the publisher of the cookbook I will be in and we've decided that I will contribute my Mexican Brownie*** recipe. Interestingly the MB is a sociological determiner experiment. We Monkeys have scientifically established that when you tell a patron what makes the MB an MB, you can indeed predict their reaction by what they are wearing. Nine out of 10 times Mom jeans, a Ceasar cut, or gold chains in plural or greater than 1/8" thickness will be repulsed by the MB ("Give me a normal brownie" followed by an audible shiver). Conclusion: Those of you who like the MB are worldly, cultured, and cool.

Anyhoo I am blathering and boring all of you so I will leave you now.

* Kitchendancing: Sometimes referred to to as "kitchensinging". The act of turning up the iPod Stage very loud and crooning one's favorite tunes while hopping around a room and simultaneously drinking an alcoholic beverage, a sometimes difficult feat that requires years of practice and an inherent natural grace.

**Has anyone spotted Bruichladdich 3D Peat in the USA? Because I need a bottle. Desperately. And will gladly pay a hefty ransom.

***Mexican Brownie: A nom de guerre, a pseudonym for my spicy brownie that many readers/eaters already know. Used to avoid implicating google searches.