Moi, Toi, et VoI: September 2005

Evening News Hour With Your Host...

It's refreshing to hear that Al Qaida has gotten into the profitable news business. They have begun a weekly internet news broadcast, complete with an anchorman behind a desk (and, er, black mask and rifle), chryons and crawl.

The entertainment segment is even better than Extra, and the critics are raving. A lot of juicy gossip, fashion buzz...Next step: cable pundittalk infotainment channel. I'm sure they'll pay a pretty penny to be near the Fox News Channel. Nothing like a little competition to spice up the boobtube.

WTF: Head on the Bar. Again.

Mike "Brownie's doin' a terrific job" Brown, axed head of FEMA, is now being paid by FEMA to serve as a consultant on the investigation into FEMA's shitty reponse to Katrina. Interesting method of circular logic. I like it. It's efficient, quick, you've got less bureaucracy. Fine job, boys. Bravo.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little bit negative towards this administration.

I am a Socialist.

And a damn proud one at that.

It seems I put someone's knickers in a twist with yesterday's post, so....here's a great timewaster test to see where you fall on the political bellcurve. Thanks, J, my fellow Swede!

I Will Be at the Bar with My Head on the Bar.

Right after I finish this post.

According to this WaPo article, some Kentucky wingnuts have opened a museum devoted to Creationism near Cincinnati. Not too strange for Kentucky, I guess, but what I found most disturbing were some statistics (not that I'm big fan of stats, (ahemkerryreallywon), excuse me...) that I have heard from other sources. So, if you either aren't registered with WaPo.com or you just can't bear the softheadedness anymore, here are some highlights:

"We're placing this one in the hall that explains the post-Flood world," explains the guide. "When dinosaurs lived with man."

"We call him our 'missionary lizard,' " [the guide] says. "When people realize the T. rex lived in Eden, it will lead us to a discussion of the gospel. The T. rex once was a vegetarian, too."

Polls taken last year showed that 45 percent of Americans believe that God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago (or less) and that man shares no common ancestor with the ape. Only 26 percent believe in the central tenet of evolution, that all life descended from a single ancestor.

Another poll showed that 65 percent of Americans want creationism taught alongside evolution.

Hopefully that EU passport will come through. Yikes. Off for a tall one.

Take On Me! Aha!

(Speaking of Norwegians....)

Check out this great clip of Phil Donahue on O'Reilly. Doooh! Can't say I am a fan usually, but Phil goes toe-to-toe with Bill. He gets into Sheehan, Sadaam, the Dems, the WoT, Halliburton. Fuckin' brilliant.

(Was the Norwegians comment too Magnetic Fields-y, popscholar? Just yankin' your chain! I'll link to it so people don't think I'm a total snob.)

I Won! I Won!

the weekly caption contest on the now pretty-famous-for-a-regular-guy's-political-blog Riding Sun. Yay!

I guess this means there will be a rash of Republicans coming over for a look-see. Let's make 'em all feel welcome, friends. "HI, 'PUBS!"

So, what do I get, GB? A link on Slate? Rush doing the greeting on my answering machine?

Woo hoo!

Kvetches of the Day

1. Did anyone else see that friggin' Sears ad during Lost last night?

2. I saw another bumper sticker on the way home from work today: "Don't Forget Who Started It." Almost as good as the Gristedes bags: "Never Forget What They Did To Us."

3. Today I made sugarpaste roses because I'm "the only one who can do it" for 2 1/2 hours! My eyes may be crossed and back hunched permanently now. By the time 4:30 rolled around, I was ready to start sucking my thumb and rock back and forth for a long while in a dark corner. Thank the gods for the iPod is all I can say. Note to self: Libertines is not good rose-making music; Sondre Lerche is much better.

(What can I say? All this Kate Moss talk lately put me in the mood. Better than doing crack/coke (croke/cack?), right?)

Mmmm Hmmmm.......!

The Enquirer (yes, with an 'E') is reporting that Dubya's back on the sauce. No surprise there.

Hold on there, chief. "The National Enquirer ain't exactly the New York Times, but it isn't the Weekly World News, either" says Salon.com.

Don't say I didn't tell ya so.

Look out for the lampshade. It's coming. Sure as Rita.

Psychic Caramel

Yesterday I had a reading (Continue to talk amongst yourselves, people...). I get them once or twice a year usually, but it had been close to two years so I felt it was time again. I needed a little insight into my life. I've felt a little untethered recently. Anyway, I tried a different psychic this time around and whoah! She predicted a lot of stuff about my business; one thing was getting a write-up. She asked me if I'd had my write-up yet. I had not. In fact, on Monday, I met with someone from one of the local papers here, but the reporter said she wanted to wait until I had my stuff in more places before she would write a story about me. She'd already written too many columns about some of the cafes I was in.

"It's going to happen soon. And you'll be very happy with it and it will generate a goodly amount of business too."

"Okay." What more could I say?

Soooo......this morning I get up, pour my coffee and check my email. There's a note from the reporter saying she's changed her mind and has decided to write about me! FReAky, right?!

I'll keep y'all posted about any other predictions. That was whack.

***
Today I saw a Volvo sporting a "Boycott France: The Spin Stops Here" bumper sticker. First of all, wtf does France have to do with spin? What does that mean? and Number Two) last I checked, the Swedes weren't so hip to this Iraq thing either.

Stoopid Merican.

WTF: British BBQ?

And the First WTF Gold Medal goes to....The USDA!

The UK has donated hundreds of tons of food to Katrina survivors, but it's stuck in red tape and could likely be incinerated because it's 'unfit for human consumption.'

We know British food is bad, but...

Thankyouthankyou. Goodnight. You've all been great.

Says It All For Itself Redux.

From Wonkette...gotta love this...

God's Got A Sick Sense of Humor: Depeche Who?

Last night I had a serious senior moment. Whilst really enjoying my corn-crusted diver scallops at Alma de Cuba last night, I was blathering about how much I did not want to see Depeche Mode at that Borgata. (Armchair shrink: a psychological scar from being unceremoniously dumped on the way to a DM show back in high school? Hmm...) Bojack asked me to give a quick rundown on some of their old songs...

"Puh-leeze! You know, Everything Counts, Strange Love, Mah-stah & Servant, Personal Jesus, all of those.... And that one about the two girls...you know the one. It was every teenage girl's theme song at one point or another."

Silence. Stare.

"Argh! You know, the one about the girl who tries to commit suicide - 'slashed her wrists, bored with life' and the girl who fell in love with Jesus, got into the car crash and died! That one!"

It wasn't just the sangria. It was old age. I'm convinced. I'm losin' my edge.

Apocalypse Watch: My Friend Has Gone Bananas

I decided to call an old friend from high school whom I speak to every four to six months or so to check in, swap gossip, whatever. I ask her how physician's assistant school is going and she tells me that, well, she's "joined the Christian ministry." Okay...strange for her, I thought, but okay. It's been a while since we've spoken...

We start to talk about what's been going on and all of the sudden she says, "We are in end times, Oy Vey. It's true. You see it every single day. This is the end of days."

Alright, all of my faithful readers know that I semi sorta half-jokingly believe that too. But I figure if we can make it to the end of 2008, we're in the clear. But wha....?

"Satan is meddling in all of our relationships these days. He's got his devil hands in everything. It seems unbelievable, I know, but it's true."

Silence.

"And these homo-sekcsuals. Again, there you go. Satan."

I honestly didn't know how to respond. She had also just told me that she never started school, quit her job, had been hospitalized for a nervous breakdown, and was waiting for the sheriff to come and kick her out of her house because she hadn't paid rent in the past 3 months. So I said, "huh."

"But I'm not worried about any of that because the Lord will take care of me. Do you go to synagogue?"

And I proceeded to step with caution, explaining that I consider myself a spiritual person, not a religious one. That we're all here for a purpose and we need to be good to one another blagh blagh...

So she decided she's going to help me out by sending me her dogeared copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven. She had a serious chuckle when I told her I lived on Christian Street.

We're going to get together real soon. Yeah, real soon. Makes me sad. She used to be cool.

Blegch...

Notes From The Hood: GH Style

WTF: First Nick Drake And Now This...

I was sitting on the couch multitasking (writing sassy girlie article while watching Oprah sipping a nip of pre-dinner Riesling) when my ears perked up to There Goes The Sun by The Pernice Brothers on the teevee. I was intrigued. There she was, a tall kinda stylish statuesque woman walking down the street lookin' good and feelin' good. Flirtin' with the guy in the newsstand.

Turns out it was a fucking Sears commercial!

When I saw that, I literally yelped. Cat and laptop flew up in the air. I was shocked. Shockedshockedshocked. Why is one of the most beloved, talented and smart lyricists this side of the Atlantic shilling for fucking Sears?! You have no excuse, Joe, you're ALIVE. Arrgggghhhhh....how terribly terribly disappointing. And cruel. So very very cruel.

Joe, how could you?

FEMA, Possible Grammy Nominee?

Well it is possible. It's all about the connections, right?

Anyway, maybe I am completely behind the times, but I was unaware that FEMA produced a rap song (thanks Gaijin Biker) to remind us that

People helping people is what we do
And FEMA is there to help see you through
When disaster strikes, we are at our best
But we're ready all the time, 'cause disasters don't rest.

Uh huh. Check it out . It's kickin', yoyo homeslice.

Update: Nouvelle Vague

Last night's Nouvelle Vague show: if you don't know, the shtick is that a couple of French girls (although one of them was definitely not last night) sing new wave songs to a bossa nova beat. But the twist is that they allegedly don't know the songs to begin with, so it's supposed to be a nouvelle interpretation of some classic alt-indie 80s songs. I was skeptical to say the least.

How one could not know some of these songs -- even if you are a zygote -- is beyond me. Just Can't Get Enough, Melt With You, Love Will Tear Us Apart? Come on, MELT WITH YOU?! The only thing I kept picturing in my head was this: the two Men who 'handle them' must keep them locked up in cages in the dark with little food and water; their sole source of stimulation is when The Men pass them song lyrics through their cage flap and they can't come out until they come up with something. Or unless they are performing. In which case, I assume they are watched very very carefully. They cannot be contaminated.

Well, it seems that my little fantasy theory may in fact be true after all. After they played their entire album less one song, including Just Can't Get Enough, they were hauled off stage by The Men (my interpretation). Applause, encore! Encore! So they slink back out, return to the mikes and sing that last song that was missing from the original set: Bela Lugosi's Dead. Yikes! I wished I were dead during those 4 minutes of pure unadulterated hell. And then for their final encore song, they played Just Can't Get Enough. Again. Apparently they were tapped out. Finito. They actually don't know any other songs. They indeed did get enough. And so had I.

And on a similar note, because of the sheer amount of sweenster/NPR press, it seems that the whole of Philly is Clapping Their Hands and Saying Yeah these days. I say Naaah. They are so over. They should take a page from the Rick Astley Story or The Season of the Shawl. We Got Enough!

My Piano Teacher Is Dead.

So I found out today. After hearing that PeopleCat's and my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Rodgers died (RIP, Mary. Cheers to baby chicks, Challenger and Bye Bye Birdie!) last week I decided to check the Social Security Death Index, something I do occasionally out of purely morbid curiousity/schadenfreude to see if anyone I know but haven't been in contact with in a while has left for the Great Beyond yet. And there she was, Mrs. Sittner. Gone. It's been years since I've had lessons, much less touched the piano, but it still makes me a little sad. Makes me feel old! And she was in her 90s for chrissakes!

It makes me think of my very last recital. Rachmaninoff's Prelude in C# Minor. Not sure I could get that back, but it would be fun to try.

This really makes me want to run out, buy a decent keyboard and play a few etudes. Here's to you, Julia. I promise I'll practice.

Totally unrelated addendum: Why was XPN playing Neil Diamond this morning?

WTF: Uncle Sam Wants YOU, You iTunes Hipster!

Unfuckingbelievable again. But not really, really.

In exchange for giving your vital statistics to the U.S. Dept. of Defense for recruiting purposes, you get $2.97 worth of music from iTunes! What a bargain! Check it out!

I wonder if they're going to weed out the ones who buy Divine, Ethel Merman or early Madonna.

Painfully obvious clever bit: iRaq, iPod, iTunes, iDuh!

David Byrne at The Khyber?

Well, no. But Clap Your Hands Say Yeah will be. If you can ask yourself to get over the eerily similar voice and ignore the slightly retarded name, go see these guys on Sunday - unless you already have tickets for Saturday's sold out show. Oy Vey can't make it, unfortunately, because she already has plans to go to World Cafe Live to see Nouvelle Vague, a French/Portuguese version of Richard Cheese, but not quite as repeatedly listenable. And I think he actually claims to know the songs he's covering.

Social Responsibility Alert: I was very sad to notice yesterday that Combos are the Official Cheese Filled Snack of NASCAR. Shit. What's a girl to do?

City of Brotherly Love MY ASS.

Yesterday I spent 3 hours in the parking lot of Superfresh because my friggin car refused to start. It would turn over and then stall out. And then I realized that this little light of a little car with a key on the dashboard was blinking. After searching through the 6 different manuals (or "The Chronicles of Jetta"), I figured out that the car was not recognizing my key. WTF? It "thought" it was a fake key, like I was trying steal my own fucking car. So I call VW, and they tell me that the battery in my key is probably dead. The battery in my key? Why on god's green earth does a key require a battery? You don't fuck with key technology; it's old school. It's like the networkless BSG (shout out to y'all!! Can't wait for Friday!)...it's just better when it's simpler. So anyway, I'm stranded in the parking lot and really the whole point of this rant is to say that not a single human being bothered to ask me if I needed any help. Even the Superfresh cart shepherd who would come by every 15 minutes to corral the carts strewn around wouldn't look in my direction as I'm trying to start the car over and over and over again...you selfish bastards, you.

So....it actually turned out not to be the key battery after all but the whole fuckin electrical system which totally pisses me off because this car is 5 years old and it's been treated so tenderly all these years. Jettas suck. Do not buy one. They are cute and their urban-hipsterness may lure you in, but resist, friends, resist. Oh, did I mention that it was just at the dealership the day before because the fucking window fell into the door!!!!! Nick Drake should be rolling in his grave for shilling for such a crappy piece of crap. Crapcrapcrap!

Okay, now getting back to bigger things: did I hear correctly last night on the World Service that Cheney was coming down to New Orleans with 24,000 bodybags in tow? I can think of few things more gruesome than that picture. No wonder I couldn't sleep. The Grim Reaper on Air Force Two. Positively ghoulish! So that's where he's been all this time: he's The Crypt Keeper!

Lest we forget: Cheney at Auschwitz Anniversary....What a dick!

Thank you thank you. I'll be here all week.

FSHIZZLE SHAZAMM!

Olbermann: You. Go. Girl. Strut those peacock feathers with pride, m'mann. You've earned it.

Says It All For Itself.

Foxies Finally Fed Up With Feds & FEMA

Props to Shep Smith and Geraldo. Outrageous. God forbid this catastrophe would have been a surprise.

Odds & Ends: Classifieds Section: Employment

A sampling of opportunities in the food biz:

Butcher
Very skilled butcher sought for high-end NY hotel/restaurant.
It's not enough to be better, you have to be different! If you
are bright, knowledgeable, witty and confident, then you just may be what
we are looking for. Experience is required and benefits are available.

The Witty Different Butcher...by Jonathan Swift. This guy kinda fits the bill too.

Intern
Famous French Chef with 3 acclaimed restaurants in New York seeks
externs and stages in his restaurant in Palm Beach. This is an excellent
opportunity for established cooks to gain some exposure to a world
renowned chef's restaurant. Also a good opportunity for recent grads to
gain some great experience.

Read: Famous Egotistical Trantrum-prone French Chef looking for bitches to piss on and do shitwork for free. Also a good opportunity for recent grads to gain some great experience.

Executive Pastry Chef
Amazing opportunity for those who want to live abroad. Executive
Pastry/Bakery chef needed for upscale restaurant in Cairo, Egypt. This is
a full time position, and a minimum of five years experience is required.
Must have the ability to train, supervise and guide a staff, as well as have
the ability to work in a professional and dynamic environment. A working
visa will be furnished.

Yeah, I bet it will. Any takers?

Moi, Toi, et VoI

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Evening News Hour With Your Host...

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

WTF: Head on the Bar. Again.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I am a Socialist.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I Will Be at the Bar with My Head on the Bar.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Take On Me! Aha!

I Won! I Won!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Kvetches of the Day

Mmmm Hmmmm.......!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Psychic Caramel

Monday, September 19, 2005

WTF: British BBQ?

Says It All For Itself Redux.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

God's Got A Sick Sense of Humor: Depeche Who?

Friday, September 16, 2005

Apocalypse Watch: My Friend Has Gone Bananas

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Notes From The Hood: GH Style

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

WTF: First Nick Drake And Now This...

FEMA, Possible Grammy Nominee?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Update: Nouvelle Vague

Sunday, September 11, 2005

My Piano Teacher Is Dead.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

WTF: Uncle Sam Wants YOU, You iTunes Hipster!

Friday, September 09, 2005

David Byrne at The Khyber?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

City of Brotherly Love MY ASS.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

FSHIZZLE SHAZAMM!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Says It All For Itself.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Foxies Finally Fed Up With Feds & FEMA

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Odds & Ends: Classifieds Section: Employment

Contributors

Baking

Booze of the Day

T-Shirt/Bumper Sticker/Tattoo Sighting of the Day

Reading on My Kindle

It's the Kind of Day

Coveting

Looking Forward To

Burning Question

Stuck In My Head

Stuff You Should Click On (in no particular order. I know where everything is. Welcome to my world.)

So Yesterday

The Stacks