W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> Moi, Toi, et VoI: November 2005

Monday, November 28, 2005

Cute as a Button, F%^$%^face!

I've not been very comfortable in my skin the past couple of days. I'm feeling too cutesy lately and I don't think I like it.

I got a manipedi on Friday. I usually only get the pedi (an absolute necessity), but my hands looked like I had soaked them in lye and then practiced arpeggios on a cheesegrater so I thought it would be prudent to get them cleaned up. Not sure what I was thinking (maybe it was because I was in New Jersey), but I went for a nauseating metallic bubblegum pink for my fingers. I'm feeling very self conscious about them now. I never wear nail polish because of work - and because my nails always end up looking ratty within 24 hours anyway. So, my new girlie paws plus my new very adorable toile/gingham/maribou handbag is giving off a sickeningly sweet air of cutie pie, babyface, Gidget. Ugh. I've got to stop ordering from Boden too - but that warbride retro inspired stuff is just too fuckin' cute. I just can't help myself.

The only mitigating factor is that I spent most of the weekend reading back issues of Esquire.

Even with the boobs, I know I'll never have that sexpot look and I'm cool with that. But I wear "cute" ironically, people. Just wait til I pull out my genuine CPD leather jacket when it gets cold enough. ...And my pink cashmere gloves (PSYCH!).

posted by Oy Vey at 2:59 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 25, 2005

Kvetch of the Day: T-Day

THE EIGHT EDICTS OF THANKSGIVING

1. The following three foods ("The Trinity") must be available for consumption: turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.

1a. The turkey should be set out whole for a pre-determined period of time before hacking it to pieces and slapping them on a plate.

2. No disposable dishware, flatware or dining accoutrements of any kind are to be used during the meal. Only children under 36 inches may be given paper napkins.

3. Pigs in a blanket are banned within 50 yards of the meal.

4. Any individual caught with a can of cranberry sauce will be confined to the backyard without a coat for a pre-determined period of time.

5. Spanikopita is not a permitted food unless one or one's guest is Greek.

6. Pre-dinner cocktails and/or wine must be available before, during and after the meal.

6a. Those individuals who choose to partake in the legal consumption of alcoholic beverages must not be shunned, hidden from view or branded with an "A".

7. Those individuals who do not appreciate the Georges de Boeuf 2005 Nouveau Beaujolais will restricted from having it.

8. Obesity and those guests with BMI issues will be banned as conversation topics on the way home.

Any individual found guilty of disobeying any of the abovesaid rules will be stoned to death.

posted by Oy Vey at 6:25 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I See You.

Redmond, Washington. I know you're there.

Who are you? I'm fascinated that you read my blog on an almost daily basis. Why, friend? It's dull, vacuous, and horribly whiney. Not to mention terribly whingey. Blecgh!

I rarely write about anything interesting and honestly, my comments themselves really aren't very interesting anyway.

And I have character traits of both Histrionic and Avoidant Personality Disorders. I guess the blog is the perfect outlet for someone who wants to talk to everyone about the importance of her world drama and simultaneously be all by herself while she's doing it.

I don't get it, buddy.

posted by Oy Vey at 7:06 PM 0 comments

All This Nostalgia Will Kill Me One of These Days

Last week was Sex Dwarf at Liquid with the girls. (OOhhh Ahhhh Tin Tin....)

This week Echo & the Bunnymen AND Ministry of Information are coming to the City of Brotherly Love.

And as it turned out, the Kennedys weren't Dead after all these years after all.

Wha, has the Apocalypse clock hit the last second before midnight?

Just somethin' to think about.

posted by Oy Vey at 8:11 AM 0 comments

Monday, November 21, 2005

Back to Business

OK. I've been busy. Sorry. I'll just plug away at the various things that have been going on.

1. JAYLA over Lisa? I know it's going on a week at this point, but I still can't believe it. I am no fan of Lisa, but at least her pix were always strong. Regardless of whether she's an alki or likes to pee in adult diapers, she's still a great model. Jayla, on the other hand, while cute in a Furbie sort of way, has consistently been very weak in her shoots. Same expression every single week. And she's a bitch. Lisa's not a bitch. She's just obnoxious. They really didn't give the real reason why she got the axe, but I'd venture to guess that her glug-glug-glugging was probably part of it. After all, supermodels are supposed to be straight-edge Mormon types, right? RIGHT?

2. What's been keeping me from the blog hasn't been Friendster, like you'd think, but actually, I've been working on my business plan. Ugh. I am just way too right-brained for this shit. The fluff parts of it are fine - the concept, the marketing, the location, all the fun stuff was totally cruisin'. It's the financials part that sent me to a screeching halt. Granted, I know the difference between a stock and a bond ("muni"!), that you should buy low and sell high, and that I shoulda invested in Apple back in 1985. But sales projections? Profits and Loss sheets? Break-even Analysis? How the fuck should I know? I'm not psychic and besides, I went to Sarah Lawrence for chrissake (that one year will shrivel your left brain like a prune, er, dried plum)!

3. The furnace is broken. The guy's been here 4 times to fix it to no avail. Now they're saying they might have to rip up my brand spanking new bamboo floor and tear my kitchen apart to fix it. Better that than catsicles, I guess. ARGH. But I'm not stressin', nosireebob.

4. I made the horrific mistake of buying a box of hair color from the CVS and now I look like an Irish Setter. That's what I get for procrastinating making a hair appointment and just letting the professionals do it. The grays were driving me to drink!

5. If I think of any more, I'll letya you. But for now, stick a fork in me. I am DONE. I need to go stand by the oven to warm up my tootsies.

posted by Oy Vey at 1:38 PM 1 comments

Monday, November 14, 2005

Kvetches of the Day

1. Yesterday the little cat who wanders around our block whom we call Mabel was out in front of the house. The little neighborkid was sitting on his stoop playing with a bug and we asked him if the cat belonged to them. He said yes. We asked him what her name was. He said he didn't know. WTF? And then he proceeded to say that the cat was never allowed indoors because she has fleas. WTF? You lay claim to an animal yet you don't even bother to name her? What is this, frackin' farm country? Were you born in a barn? I don't see any hay around here, kiddo. This is a major problem in Grad Hospital and it sucks and makes me sad. If I could, I'd "scoop up" Mabel and find her a nice home where they'll give her a name and treat her fleas. : (

2. The Dead Kennedys are playing at TLA on Wednesday. Aren't they, like, 60 or something?

posted by Oy Vey at 5:02 PM 0 comments

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Watercooler Data: Who's The Boss of Who's the Boss?

I'll write about what's really bugging me tomorrow. But here's a nice little Quizzo primer.

I've been really busy Friendstering...plum tuckered out.

posted by Oy Vey at 10:51 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

My New Vice

is Friendster. Holy crap, this is more addictive than gambling for smack. I've just spent the past hour asking people to be my friend and honing my profile (this is VERY important). I feel this need to get as many friends as possible as quickly as I can so that any new friends will see that I already have friends. I want to put them on my webmantle like Hummel figurines. Know what I'm saying?

I'm at 56% battery life left, I've got no power cord and 3 1/2 hours left with nothing to do at work. Ahhhhhhrghh!

Oh, and I burned my cherries (! not a double entendre...) because I was too busy sending messages to people I used to play with when I was seven (not Burning Bed girl - she's got enough to deal with).

posted by Oy Vey at 1:11 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Not-So-Sweet Dreams Revisited

I wasn't going to blog about this, but it's just eating away at me.

Seems that some people have problems worse than mine. Zooinks!

For this poor girl I grew up with, sweet dreams have become The Burning Bed. Motherfigure relays old neighborhood gossip that said poor girl was beaten up so badly by her "Italian boyfriend" ("Italian from Italy that is") that she's blind in one eye now. Cop who lives in their building heard the commotion and found her "in a pool of blood". Christ. They run tests on her at the hospital and it turns out she's got cysts on her brain and thyroid. Mother of Christ.

It's just really fucked up to think someone you used to play ding dong ditch with when you were seven is now fodder for a Lifetime movie. Fucked up. Truly fucked up.

posted by Oy Vey at 1:35 PM 0 comments

Not-So-Sweet Dreams

Dang! I have been remiss in my bloggin' duties. Slapped wrists and no excuses. I know I've let my six fans down. I'm sorry. Truly sorry. I've been having a little trouble sleeping lately.

I've had a barrage of nightmares in the past couple of days. And they've been amped up by Ambien, I'm sure.

1. Dreamt some poor dude was shot right outside of my house while I desperately was trying to stick my key in the lock. Ahhhhiiieeee!


2. Dreamt I was being chased - through the streets, through deep water (that's the fuckin' scariest being a midwestern oceans-are-really-freaky girl.), and was about to be shot.

3. Dreamt that I forgot to do my homework and was about to miss my flight. At least my teeth didn't fall out. That's always the worst. And I think I was being chased. Oh, and I was driving a maroon Jetta. Weird.

I need some ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs.

posted by Oy Vey at 9:41 AM 0 comments

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Holiday Gift Ideas: For the 'Networker' in Your Life...

posted by Oy Vey at 8:13 PM 0 comments

Stresses-moi?

This morning I discovered a patch of white hair - not gray, white. Oy! I've had some stray grays here and there over the past couple of years, but this was an honest-to-god patch. I'm 30! Not fair! Did this happen to Martha when she was building her cookie empire? I think it's time to 'tint'. I'm going to go back to a nice fiery copper...and the whites will look like highlights! Redheads have more fun, just ask my cat....and here's an interesting cocktail party factoid: natural redheads require 20% more anesthesia than non-reds.

Kvetch of the Day: A new client (a redhead by choice) who has just opened her first coffeeshop has asked me to "work with her" on minimums. In other words, she wants three lemon bars because the six minimum that I require is "too wasteful." Grrr! Some people have some serious cajones...I mean, come on, it's wasteful for me to spend the time making you three brownies, you thoughtless wench! Not gonna happen...

And here's something to chew on re Scalito... The bark may be worse than the bite afterall...

posted by Oy Vey at 10:18 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Happy Anniversary Stupidheads



Today we memorialize The Very First Day of the Apocalypse. Yup, it was 365 days ago today that the Fristians, NASCAR moms and the Everythingphobes decided to bring a doublewhammy pile o' shame to this here great nation...Remember those hot streaming tears? The numbness? The desire to kick Florida in the shins? Oy, like it was yesterday, baby.

It has taken a exactly a year, but I have finally compiled all of the necessary documentation for my EU passport. So when the Cheney/Rice ticket 'wins', I'll be ready to gettathefuckouttahere!

posted by Oy Vey at 5:19 PM 0 comments