In honor of commemorating this day, I’ve decided to share a bit of my life that I’ve never talked about before on The Blog. There are some of you who already know and can read the subtext of a lot of my posts, but for the rest of you, I wanted to share a huge thing going on right now a) so you can understand my occasional yet endearing insanity and b) because I wanted to return the favor. I truly appreciate all of you because you share so much of your own lives with me. I don’t know most of you personally, but you faithful readers, who post supportive and funny comments, generally just make me feel good. And reading about you is fun, interesting, poignant, sometimes sad, but always honest. I love blogging!
I’m in the middle of a divorce.
Let me just start by saying please don’t say “I am so sorry”. There’s nothing to be sorry about. Without getting into details, let’s just say it was the best thing for both of us. I can tell you with all honesty, that I’m happy.
While I was married, I often felt very lonely. And now that I am actually alone, I don’t feel so lonely anymore. And that’s not to say that I don’t feel sad about what’s lost or think about how I could have done things differently.
And then there are those times when I wish there was someone there to curl up on the couch and watch crap television with, to tell me I’m clever and pretty, or put his hand on the small of my back as we walk out the door. Prior to being alone, I had shut off the part of me that wanted those things. I figured I didn’t need them, that they were unimportant or silly. But really and truly, that’s not true. But for now, it’s okay to be by myself.
So all this is very new to me. And exciting and fun and scary. There are a million new insecurities that run through my mind now. The most obvious one being Will I Be Alone Forever? Maybe, The Realist in me points out. But it's still better than Being Lonely any day of the week.
That sounds pitiful, says The Optimist in me. Everything will work out and you will not be Alone Forever. Only if you want to be.
I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to be.
But for now, it's okay.