Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Birthin' No Babies.
Yesterday A called to say that he and J were at the hospital and this could be it.
Turns out to be a false alarm and they've decided to swing by The Circus to make sure J's maternity leave minion comes in and opens her shop without a problem.
"Why don't you just go home? I'll make sure Your Minion is ok." [read: "UM. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT AS I WATCH YOU SIT HERE AT THIS TABLE AND BEGIN TO GIVE BIRTH THROUGH YOUR VAGINA TO THIS CHILD."]
"No, I need to wait until My Minion comes. Otherwise I won't be able to go home and relax." [read: "IF I GO HOME, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I'M ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH THROUGH MY VAGINA TO THIS CHILD."]
I fed A cupcakes and cigarettes and kept J company at the table while he went out to check on the shop. I try to distract J ["Woo hoo!" Look at that hottie in the brown shirt over by the shoe shine! Woot woot! Hey, check that freak out! The one with the brown shirt! Over by the shoe shine! Good god!"] as I watch her face change shape and color and her eyes turn into little glassy slits every few minutes, all while she's clenching her fingers so tightly that they start to look like little purple Vienna sausages.
Condoms: $4.00
Vasectomy $1200
Watching a woman go into labor: Fucking priceless.
Anyway, I'm happy to report today that J and A are the proud parents of one little boy, who has the best name, though I won't share it with you. Welcome the newest member of The Circus!
Lookin' forward to the bris. [read: Muuurrgg.....]
Turns out to be a false alarm and they've decided to swing by The Circus to make sure J's maternity leave minion comes in and opens her shop without a problem.
"Why don't you just go home? I'll make sure Your Minion is ok." [read: "UM. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT AS I WATCH YOU SIT HERE AT THIS TABLE AND BEGIN TO GIVE BIRTH THROUGH YOUR VAGINA TO THIS CHILD."]
"No, I need to wait until My Minion comes. Otherwise I won't be able to go home and relax." [read: "IF I GO HOME, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO THINK ABOUT OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I'M ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH THROUGH MY VAGINA TO THIS CHILD."]
I fed A cupcakes and cigarettes and kept J company at the table while he went out to check on the shop. I try to distract J ["Woo hoo!" Look at that hottie in the brown shirt over by the shoe shine! Woot woot! Hey, check that freak out! The one with the brown shirt! Over by the shoe shine! Good god!"] as I watch her face change shape and color and her eyes turn into little glassy slits every few minutes, all while she's clenching her fingers so tightly that they start to look like little purple Vienna sausages.
Condoms: $4.00
Vasectomy $1200
Watching a woman go into labor: Fucking priceless.
Anyway, I'm happy to report today that J and A are the proud parents of one little boy, who has the best name, though I won't share it with you. Welcome the newest member of The Circus!
Lookin' forward to the bris. [read: Muuurrgg.....]
posted by Oy Vey at 8:26 PM
3 Comments:
I find it quite funny how everyone goes on about it being 'the most natural thing in the world'. Frankly, having done it twice, there isn't anything that could feel more unnatural than pushing a baby out through your vagina.
It is just wrong.
Right. Crossing legs now.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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