W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> Moi, Toi, et VoI: Dental Damn!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Dental Damn!


Yesterday I went to a new dentist. Isn't shopping for quality healthcare a bitch? You never know what you're gonna get.

Have you ever gotten the hard sell from your dental technician? No, me neither. The hygienist is poking at my teeth, chichatting away...

"Have you ever had braces before?"
"No, but I had a retainer when I was twelve."

She pauses, takes a deep breath and then proceeds to give me The Shpiel about how some of my teeth aren't quite straight in the front and how I'd be a perfect candidate for Invisalign - no! Invisilign Express!

"Really? Okay."

"It's just so very minor, but it would really be great for you. And it would only take 5 months and you change them every two weeks and Dr. Snakeoil even throws in a free whitening in with it too. At no charge! That's like a $400 savings!"

"Oh, you think I need them?" I say, as I try and cover my front teeth with my lips as I'm speaking to her. Yeah, I've noticed my teeth are a little crooked in the front. I don't have Barbie teeth, but I didn't think I needed braces for chrissake! Braces! At 31!

"See? I've got 'em on right now. Nobody notices them until I point them out."

And sure enough I didn't notice.

"Is that what Tom Cruise had? How much is it?" Oh no. Sucker alert! Sucker alert!

Enter Dr. Snakeoil. We exchange pleasantries and he starts checking out my teeth.

"Do you feel that your front teeth are too small?"

SMALL?! NO, I've never thought of THAT before. But now that you mention it...."yeah, I guess."

"Well, what we could do is this procedure called [scary perio somethingsomething] where we ["we"!] cut off a millimeter or two of your gums so your teeth look bigger. It's really beautiful [sic]."

I put a hand over my mouth. "Wow. Alright. Interesting. I see. Hmmm..."

Hygienist: "I told her all about Invisalign too!"

Dr. Snakeoil: "Oh, yeah, that'd be great too. Run ya somewhere in the $2200 range only because you'd only need the Invisilign Express!"

"Wow. That cheap. Uh huh. Thanks! Interesting!"

Yeah, thanks, dental people for giving me yet another looks-related insecurity. I really appreciate it. Now I must worry about whether or not people are staring at my crooked chihuahuah teeth in addition to the ridiculous and petty ugliness issues I've had running through my noggin lately. Wonderful!

Nothin' like trusting the opinions of your health professionals.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Whinger said...

It's just like the freaking chiropractor -- "Have you ever noticed that one leg is slightly shorter than the other? No? We could fix that with a jillion years of therapy that will only cost a gazillion dollars...."

2/21/2006 1:32 PM  
Blogger Oy Vey said...

my chiropractor (excuse me, the chiro i went to 4 times) told me the same thing about my legs. i think it's some sorta scam.

or it's totally for real but probably 80% of people have one short leg....they say that supermodels are such because they're symmetrical- that's it. freaks.

2/21/2006 1:57 PM  
Blogger Guinness_Girl said...

DUDE. I have seen your beautiful teeth and they are perfect the way they are. STOP it!!!

2/21/2006 4:03 PM  
Blogger Red said...

I'm imagining the Invisalign Express to be like a drive-thru window... which is probably not at all accurate, but still quite an image.

2/22/2006 1:04 AM  
Anonymous shiksa goddess said...

2 years ago, I did this thing called "Red, White, and Blue" (similar to Invisalign) on the top and this other horrible device on the bottom. I'd already had braces for 2 years when I was in middle school. similar thing happened to me, all was fine until someone mentioned the slight movement of my tooth on the bottom. bottom line, they should have called it red white and green for all the money I paid for it!

2/23/2006 3:11 PM  

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