Does Not Dignify a Title.
Tonight is the Eve of Canary's fourth anniversary.
Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday I was bitching about opening up, about crazy staffing issues, about wanting to sell....
oh wait.
Never mind. Regardless, I shed tears at this moment. And I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I'm just so sad. According to my grad school books, some people get depressed at big moments in their lives; it's the change that saddens them. It's the hoping for something better than what they actually have at this point. When things are jangled, some people just can't deal.
I don't know what it is, but I am certainly very sad, and please forgive any typos because they are hard to see between my contact-less eyes and tear-blur.
Maybe I should blame it on my mother. She has not come up to ever see the accomplishment of Canary 2. Maybe that is why I just can't absorb it as an accomplishment. Instead, it was a stupid rash mistake that if I were smart enough to see ahead, I would have never dared such an idiotic move. Then again that is who she is and I am an adult and should know and accept that by now.
Maybe I should blame my father. Enh, why bother. The dude's a tool. Not even worth it.
But mostly I blame myself. Why can't it all work out just right? What's the matter with me that I just can't get it right?
I feel like an abject failure. I don't care what you say. You are just being nice. You are just trying to make me feel better. But I haven't done what I could have done and that is failure.
Tomorrow is going to be hell, despite the cornichon eating contest, which will be fun, until they try and get me to speak to the mike. And then I will shrivel and stutter and it will make me feel worse.
Oh geez. I can't even stand to read the words I write.
Hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday I was bitching about opening up, about crazy staffing issues, about wanting to sell....
oh wait.
Never mind. Regardless, I shed tears at this moment. And I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. I'm just so sad. According to my grad school books, some people get depressed at big moments in their lives; it's the change that saddens them. It's the hoping for something better than what they actually have at this point. When things are jangled, some people just can't deal.
I don't know what it is, but I am certainly very sad, and please forgive any typos because they are hard to see between my contact-less eyes and tear-blur.
Maybe I should blame it on my mother. She has not come up to ever see the accomplishment of Canary 2. Maybe that is why I just can't absorb it as an accomplishment. Instead, it was a stupid rash mistake that if I were smart enough to see ahead, I would have never dared such an idiotic move. Then again that is who she is and I am an adult and should know and accept that by now.
Maybe I should blame my father. Enh, why bother. The dude's a tool. Not even worth it.
But mostly I blame myself. Why can't it all work out just right? What's the matter with me that I just can't get it right?
I feel like an abject failure. I don't care what you say. You are just being nice. You are just trying to make me feel better. But I haven't done what I could have done and that is failure.
Tomorrow is going to be hell, despite the cornichon eating contest, which will be fun, until they try and get me to speak to the mike. And then I will shrivel and stutter and it will make me feel worse.
Oh geez. I can't even stand to read the words I write.
posted by Oy Vey at 9:35 PM
4 Comments:
I love you OV. That is all. You've got good things ahead of you, whether you're running the Canary or no. And you've accomplished so much, to think anything else is crazy talk.
Heartcha.
I am not trying to be nice- really, I am a bitch- ask Lara.
Stressful times make everything seem worse than it is. You really have succeeded at something very, very few people can do. Take a moment today to list all you have accomplished. Even if it hasn't been everything you'd hoped, it is still quite a list.
Sending love from the great lake!
You gals are the best. XXOO, love to you too.
I can't explain my idiotic behavior. It's the perfectionist in me, I guess.
Maybe I'll feel better tonight after a gorgefest of sushi to celebrate.
I actually have a plan hatching in my mind that is not so extreme regarding this sale. More later in a post tonight if I can get the lampshade off my head.
Thanks chicitas! It's nice to know there are nice people out there.
And yes, Christine, Sidecar like soooon. You have to commute farther, so you pick the day.
hugs and kisses from me too!
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